The Gods Becoming
Episode 5 · Part 1
More Than They Could Hold

For a while, Uranus measured his journeys by how long Gaia could still see him.
He would rise above a ridge, turn toward something shining in the distance, and then look back.
Sometimes her eyes followed him.
Sometimes the curve of her new body had already hidden her face.
Then he hurried.
There was always one more thing to see before returning. A scattering of pale grains had gathered into a ring. Farther away, several dark fragments turned together, keeping almost the same distance between them.
He wanted to follow their movement.
But Gaia had been quiet when he left.
Was she resting?
Or was something hurting her again?
He turned back before the fragments completed their circle.
When he reached her, she was watching a small shape move beside her hand.
“Did you find something?” she asked.
“Yes.”
He glanced toward the distant fragments.
“I think so.”

Gaia no longer seemed to grow larger each time they looked at her. For a while, they had thought the great transformation was over.
But beneath her surface, her energy was still taking new forms.
Materials gathered where there had been only scattered remnants. Some pressed into uneven masses. Others spread into thin layers or branched outward.
The changes came more slowly now, giving the four time to follow them.
And as they watched, they began to notice how much was still happening.

Beyond Gaia, the new world Erebus had discovered was changing too.
The effects of her transformation reached far beyond her surface, into gatherings that had once drifted separately.
Structures grew around small centers. Some curled inward. Others spread outward in layers. Even as pieces shifted, a recognizable arrangement remained around each center.
In distant places, they found patterns that resembled one another.
Sometimes several groups changed together, as though following the same rhythm.
Then one would continue while another grew quiet.
Each seemed to have a way of holding itself together.
Yet none seemed entirely untouched by what happened elsewhere.

Gaia felt movements beneath her surface, but feeling them did not always tell her what they were.
“There is a pulling here,” she said one day.
Erebus examined the place she indicated.
“Does it hurt?”
“No. But it did not feel like this before.”
“Where do you feel it?”
Gaia waited before answering.
“It reaches from here toward that hollow. And there is something quieter beneath it.”
Erebus looked across a stretch of ground where almost nothing seemed to move.
Gaia could feel a change there.
He could not yet see what was changing.
Uranus rose to look from above.
From there, he noticed a long, shallow line forming across the ground.
He followed it until it disappeared around a curve.
Then he remembered that Gaia could no longer see him.
He flew back.
“Where does it go?” Erebus asked.
“I have not reached the end.”

At first, Uranus enjoyed having so many unfamiliar things to think about.
For a long time, he had wanted something he could not already predict.
Now almost every journey brought a surprise.
But the questions followed him home.
If the line continued beneath the dark ridge, perhaps it was connected to the pulling Gaia felt. If it was connected, perhaps the turning fragments beyond her were involved too.
He should look again.
But if he left, he would not know how she felt while he was gone.
And if he stayed, he would not discover what might be affecting her.
One evening, Gaia noticed him beside her, looking toward the ridge.
“You wanted to go there.”
“I can go later.”
“You said that before.”
He looked at her.
“Are you tired?”
“A little.”
“Then I will stay.”
Gaia watched him settle beside her.
After a while, his gaze returned to the ridge.

Eventually, they agreed that each would follow a different part of what was happening.
Uranus would follow the movements and larger arrangements he could see from above.
Erebus would examine what happened around a change, and what had happened before it.
Eros would watch the places where things approached, joined, or began disturbing one another.
Gaia would tell them what she felt within her new form.
None of them expected these tasks to remain entirely separate.
They simply hoped that, together, they might notice enough.
They also decided to count the centers around which the structures gathered.
Perhaps knowing how many there were would help them understand how the groups belonged together.

For several weeks, the three made journeys of different lengths.
They returned to rest, to check on Gaia, and to tell her a little of what they had found.
Sometimes one remained nearby while the other two went farther away.
They began to recognize some centers even after the surrounding shapes had changed.
A branching formation might lose several pieces and slowly gather others. A layered one might bend without falling apart.
Uranus watched two distant groups turn at nearly the same moment. He crossed the space between them, searching for a movement that connected them.
He found nothing he could follow.
“How can they change together when nothing seems to pass between them?” he asked.
“Perhaps something passes where we cannot see,” Erebus said.
“Or something else reaches them both,” Eros suggested.
They waited to see whether the movements would match again.
This time, they did not.

The counting brought difficulties of its own.
From above, Uranus saw two separate formations where Erebus remembered one center. Eros found a faint gathering neither had included. It changed so slowly that he had almost left before noticing it.
They counted again.
Their answers still differed.
Uranus often returned sooner than he had intended. He stayed where Gaia could see him, trying to arrange his discoveries into something he could explain.
Then he remembered a place he ought to examine again.
He would rise, follow it for a while, and hurry back with another question.

By the time they gathered for a longer discussion, each had been waiting to speak.
Uranus began describing a group of fragments whose movements had changed.
Erebus immediately leaned forward.
“Was that before the narrow opening appeared? Because I found—”
“The opening was already there,” Eros said. “But the pieces beside it were pulling away from each other, and when I—”
“No, I mean the farther group,” Uranus said. “The one beyond the pale—”
“There were two openings,” Erebus insisted.
“And the nearer one became wider after—”
Their voices rose together.
Every few words reminded someone of something else.
Each tried to explain the missing connection before forgetting it.
Gaia looked from one to another.
Then she began to laugh.
All three stopped.
For a moment, she could only shake her head.
“Before this,” she said, “I could only imagine Uranus talking like that.”
Eros looked at Erebus.
Erebus looked at Uranus.
Uranus opened his mouth, then closed it.
Soon they were laughing too.

When the laughter faded, Gaia asked about the opening.
“Which one?” Erebus said.
“The one that became wider.”
“That was the nearer one,” said Eros.
Uranus frowned.
“I thought you meant the opening beyond the fragments.”
“No. That one was already wide when I arrived.”
“When did you arrive?”
Eros considered.
He remembered the place clearly. He remembered the uneven pull between the pieces.
But he had visited several times.
He could no longer remember which visit came before Uranus’s.
Erebus tried to help.
Then he stopped.
He remembered seeing a narrow opening. He also remembered deciding that it had probably formed after the fragments gathered.
Had he actually seen the fragments gather?
Or had he only imagined how it might have happened?
The four grew quiet.
They had brought back so much.
Now, when they tried to put it together, parts were already missing.

They began again, more slowly.
One spoke while the others listened.
Gaia asked questions whenever she lost the thread.
This helped.
They understood more of Uranus’s journey. They discovered that Eros and Erebus had sometimes been watching the same place.
Then they compared their counts.
“Did you count the turning group beyond the pale ridge?” Uranus asked.
“Yes,” said Erebus.
“And the one beside the hollow?”
Erebus paused.
“I think that is the same place.”
They tried describing their routes.
By the end, they were no longer sure which places they had counted twice, or which they had missed.
But the discussion took a long time.
By the time Erebus finished, Uranus was struggling to remember a detail from the beginning.
“Say that part again.”
“Which part?”
“The part before the pieces separated.”
“They did not separate then.”
“I thought you said—”
Uranus pressed his hands against his forehead.
“I knew what I meant a moment ago.”

They tried giving each person something particular to remember.
For a while, this helped.
Then a question about movement required something Erebus had noticed about the surrounding material. His memory led to a change Gaia had felt, but she could not tell whether it came before or after Eros’s visit.
They tried dividing one complicated account between all four.
Later, each remembered a different amount. Uranus kept trying to fill the gaps between their pieces, until he was holding even more than before.
Even their counts held another difficulty.
“When you say a center,” Erebus asked, “do you mean every separate shape?”
Uranus looked at him.
“Some of them move apart.”
“And some come together again,” Eros said.
They agreed to look for a center they could recognize across repeated visits, even when the shapes around it changed.
Now they knew more clearly what they were counting.
They still had to remember where they had been.

At rest, he followed the same unfinished thought.
If they could gather everything—
If they could arrange it properly—
If he could understand which changes mattered—
Perhaps he could leave Gaia for a while without wondering whether he should already be returning.
But every answer seemed to require another answer first.
Somewhere among all those centers, he thought, there must be a pattern that would help him understand the rest.
He kept trying to reach it.

One day, after repeating the same explanation three times, Uranus lay back and stared upward.
“I wish there were something that could remember for us.”
Eros considered this seriously.
“Something with a very large head?”
“Larger than mine,” Uranus said.
Gaia smiled.
“Where would we keep it?”
“Beside Erebus. He could explain everything to it.”
Erebus gave him a tired look.
“And who would explain it to me?”
They laughed.
Then they began imagining what such a thing might be like.
Perhaps Uranus could leave a thought floating somewhere and return to collect it.
Perhaps Gaia could grow a hollow place where they could put things they did not want to forget.
Eros wondered whether thoughts would stay together if they liked one another enough.
“Mine keep bringing more with them,” Uranus said.

As they talked, Erebus moved down a sandy slope beside Gaia.
The upper layer shifted beneath his foot.
He tried to steady himself, slipped again, and slid to the bottom.
For a moment, nobody spoke.
Then his head appeared above a small mound.
“I am all right.”
Eros was already laughing.
Uranus came down to help him.
But Erebus did not take his hand immediately.
He was looking behind him.
A long groove crossed the slope. Near its end were the marks left by his hands.
He looked from the marks to the place where he had started.
Then he climbed partway up and dragged one finger through the sand.
“What are you doing?” Uranus asked.
Erebus studied the new line.
“The slope still shows where I moved.”
“Yes.”
“Even though I am no longer moving.”
Uranus crouched beside him.

They gathered where Gaia could see the sand.
Erebus drew a crooked line, then placed several small marks beside it.
“This is the opening,” he said.
Uranus pointed at the marks.
“And those are the fragments?”
“No. Those show where I stopped to look.”
“Oh.”
Eros leaned closer.
“I thought they were the pieces that separated.”
Erebus stared at his drawing.
It had seemed clear while he made it.
Gaia watched their faces.
“You will have to tell us how to read it.”
They began with one place all four knew.
They chose a mark for it together.
Then Erebus drew the mark again, farther along the sand.
Gaia recognized it.
Eros added a second mark for something they had seen there.
They tried using repeated small marks to keep a count beside the place mark.
For the first time, they could look back at a number without asking someone to hold it in memory.
But they still had to agree on what each mark stood for.
Uranus reached forward to add the movement he remembered.
“Wait,” Erebus said. “Did you see that happen?”
“I think that is how it moved.”
“But did you see it?”
Uranus held his finger above the sand.
Then he drew his line a little farther away from the others.
They would need a way to show the difference.
For a while, they worked without noticing how much time had passed.
They drew, asked, misunderstood, and tried again.
The marks could not hold everything.
But when Uranus lost his place, he looked down and found where they had begun.
He did not have to start the whole explanation again.
Beside them, a little sand loosened beneath Eros’s foot.
It slipped across the drawing.
One of their marks disappeared.
All four looked at the empty place.
Erebus carefully drew it again.
This time, Uranus watched the sand around it.

